trust your instinct

Recently, for lack of a better phrase (or perhaps it is exactly the right phrase), I was assaulted. It is strange to say that because it was 'just a kiss' but the impact of it left me feeling very violated - not just by the man, but by myself. I went to a dance club with a few people I knew, who I was safe with, and was surrounded by about 150 people, all strangers, all dancing, none of them kissing or acting inappropriately. Whilst dancing with a man I had met briefly a few nights before, I instantly felt uncomfortable. Something had shifted - the energy was bad, he was far too close, his face was all up in my face! No bueno. I made it very clear to back off, verbally and with my body language - I was literally pulling away. I knew I wanted to end the dance early, excuse myself and escape back into the comfort and familiarity of the people that I knew, but I thought it would be 'too rude' and that I was perhaps misjudging the situation. So I decided to wait until the song ended to make my exit, it's only 3-4 minutes after all. To be honest, although I felt uncomfortable, I didn't feel threatened because I assumed that I would have the right to consultation and consent in order for anything to happen. That of course should absolutely be the case but sadly it didn't turn out that way. Completely unexpectedly, without warning and without my consent the man forced himself onto me and kissed me (Yuk! *Shudder*). Thankfully I was able to push him away fairly quickly. I told him no, threw in some expletives and went to find my friends, being sure to wipe my mouth and scrape my tongue with my top as I left, as well as gulp down a bottle of water. It wasn't a big place so finding the people I knew took less than 20 seconds and I immediately asked one of them to dance. This was just my knee-jerk reaction, to move on and forget about it, but as I told him what had happened I started to cry. I really didn't expect to so it was a shock to both of us. He immediately took me outside to where the others were, coincidentally, with the owner. It turns out I was familiar with him too having met and chatted with him earlier in the week but I didn't realise he was the owner of this particular place. I told the owner what had happened and before I'd even pointed out the man those around me had taken a correct guess at who it would be. He apparently has a bad reputation for being a complete a**ehole (or as one woman said 'a f**king pervert'). They assured me they would sort it to avoid it happening in future and stayed with me until my Uber arrived.

The next morning I sat for a while just thinking and writing about the incident, asking myself why I felt so violated? It was, after all, 'just a kiss'. I debated not writing about it at all but to not do so would go against one of my main reasons for starting Find Her There; to share the reality of female solo travel in an open and constructive way. We can't simply celebrate the good things. It is equally if not more important to assess and reflect on the bad things and share our learnings from the experiences. Yes it happened, no it wasn't pleasant but what have I learnt from it and how can you, hopefully, avoid something similar happening to you? It's painfully simple really. I feel silly for not listening to myself and trusting my instinct. I knew I wanted to get out of the situation, I could feel it in my gut, but I put social etiquette before myself and my own knowledge and experience. I didn't trust myself. The next morning it was this personal and internal betrayal and violation that I struggled with most. I somehow felt 'responsible' because I knew better than to stay, and I couldn't believe I just didn't walk away! So my advice to my future self, and to you, is to always trust your instinct. If it doesn't feel right, get out with as little fuss as possible, but do get out! Even if you have to be rude in the process. It's nothing revolutionary as far as advice goes but it's also very easy to ignore it when you're in the middle of a different culture, caught in a moment and trying to quickly assess, navigate and choose the right course of action. Beyond that, I was angry at the time. I've never had a man force himself on me in any way physically, certainly not when travelling solo. Yes, of course there have been times when men have taken photos of me abroad without my permission which isn't nice, or generally (at home or away) 'moved in' for a kiss/made a move/got too close and familiar but there has always been a moment, however brief, whereby I could say yes or no; it became clear what was about to happen and I could consent to it or not. This was the first time in my life I've experienced this kind of force and complete disregard for the fact that I had already made myself clear and said no. Has it put me off going to clubs or dancing socials alone? No, absolutely not. My experiences have been 99% positive and wonderful. I trust that kind behaviour is not normal and is completely unacceptable to every person who understands the concept of consent. However, it has reminded me to listen to myself more. I suggest you do the same.

And just to be sure I don't leave you thinking that going dancing alone is a no go area, here's my favourite video of my time in Buenos Aires, dancing with a man who was nothing but a complete gent and an absolute joy to meet.